Journal of a disfunctional mom

So, I am learning the ropes of being a mom every minute of every day. Here are some things I have compiled that I suggest you NEVER do when you decide to populate the world.

DON'T teach your kids to jump off a couch onto a pile of pillows. You see, a 16-month-old won't pay attention to their landing pad and continue to jump.

DON'T burp in front of you babes. Mine now try to do the same thing. They shouldn't.

DON'T teach them to stick their tongue out and make spit. That needs no explanation, but I have learned the hard way.

NEVER say things to them like this "Get your mouse away from your kitty!!" This is said alot to my daughter since she finds it funny that I laugh and respond that way when she sticks her Mickey Mouse close to her girlie parts.

KEEP all wipes put away. They aren't cheap, they don't give them away with diapers. Little hands can cover a room in a whole package if left unattended. Looks like it snowed up in here.

DO teach them the word snack. You can calm a kid down in a heart beat if you say "Want a snack?!" I follow this by making mine sit on the kitchen floor. Some say I treat them like dogs, but I am out numbered so don't judge.

SIGN language is good. The sign for "change" the diaper is bad. It is a motion by the Velcro part of the diaper. Next thing you know your child will dump a loaded gun on the ground and think it is funny.

NEVER let you kids nap without pants on. Another instance of finding poop in places you never thought.

BELIEVE you will know all the characters in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and embrace the theme song. It kicks Barney's ass and is so much cooler.

EMBRACE a hat. I wear one most days. It is okay. Hat's combined with a sweater and yoga pant outfit. Never good. Trust me, been there, accidentally did that- I am on People of Walmart, I just know it.

HEAR everything. When you hear nothing, panic, run and pray your house isn't falling down. Unless it is nap time, then embrace it and pretend like you are a rich woman with no responsibility. Every now and again set on the couch, feet up and watch a Real Housewives re-run. Good for the soul.

BUY a crock pot. Use it. Only way you can eat a home cooked meal on most days.

ALLOW for a mess. Messes get cleaned up. Sanity never comes back. Once you are gone, you will never find yourself again.

SOCKS run away. Just know that. Kids socks never find their mate until you toss one and then it crawls out from its hiding spot longing for its love. Nature of the beast.

POOP is disgusting. Gag, it is okay. You will. Just make sure you don't get so bad that you puke, or put a nice trashcan close to the changing location.

DON'T invest in a diaper genie. They still smell horrible and are ugly. Take the trash out. Might be the only fresh air you get that day!

NEVER wake a sleeping baby. NEVER EVER. If you are stuck with them all day, stress this to your loved ones. Nothing sucks worse than when Circle K is going on a stretch of sales and wants to see them before he leaves. Surround Sound smiles for him, cries all day for me. Tell your hubby you will send pictures and keep you hair in your head.

MULTIPLES. Buy in multiples. Well, I calved a herd, so I have to, but you should too. You will never have too many sheets, changing pad covers or white t-shirts.

PEROXIDE is great for the first step of stain removal. Babies are filthy pigs. Lay of the land, but don't stress over stains if you don't have to. Peroxide then Shout it out and you should be good. They grow too fast and they are expensive little devils:)

Do as I say and not as I do! Have a great week. Let me know if this helps you at all! LOL