Momma,
It has been three months since you left for Heaven. In my mind that is a good 30 years too early. I am learning I took our relationship for granted. I know you love me, your love will never leave and your smile still looks down on me. However, how am I going to do this.
There are many people living without a parent, but I didn't want to be one of them. I am selfish, you know that. You went too soon. I am raising my kids without you. It isn't fair, but I have to do it. I have reached for my phone, to call you, so many times this week it isn't funny.When the kids weren't feeling right, their doctor wasn't helping them. I needed you to give me some guidance.
Everyone misses you. They ask about you all the time. I am doing my best to let the kids hear about you. Will that matter in the long run? I hope so. You are present in pictures that I will never let go of. They will see the cool Colts clothes you gave them, they will know how much you loved them and they have copies of pictures of y'all together in safe spot. I promise to keep you alive.
Your memorial was great. Not a dry eye in the house, besides me. I didn't cry, I haven't let loose yet. Does that offend you or make you mad? You raised me to be tough, but you have seen my tears. I know when they come, they will be hard to shut off. I am trying to work through some stuff. You know that better than anyone.
We donated your amazing collection of clothes- how did one woman amass almost 200 pairs of jeans?!?! It was a walk down memory lane and of course you got the last word. The letter you left us girls hurt me. Never did I think I would be pillaging your stuff, getting what I wanted to keep as memories and giving it to someone else. Please know it went to great places to help people. They will be warm and happy in them.
I will take care of Daddy in Oklahoma, but I will need you to help a little, too. Please keep an eye on him, since you know he is no spring chicken:)
And in closing, how am I going to know if I am living up to what you expected of me? I got to the house, sat by your side in your last moments and that is all I wanted to ask you. I wish I would have made it earlier for one last mommy daughter talk.
Know I will hold on to the motto of "It isn't the letting go that hurts, it is the holding on!" You inspire me and I hope to do that for my kids.
I miss you more every day. I love you more, too.
Me.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
A picture is worth a thousand words... or over 5,000 shares
I am sure most of you have seen this picture....
I had just strolled into a day at the Oklahoma Youth Expo. I was tired, grouchy and all around not enjoying the evening I had just encountered. One of my perfectly healthy members of Surround Sound decided that night before to have an all night dance party. Oh well, it was fun for her. I was at whits end that afternoon.
As I looked down from my perch, I saw this young girl. I snapped a simple, non-artistic shot and ran away. I wiped tears from my eyes, called a mentor I spoke to an hour before and then called my husband and apologized for my evil morning attitude.
You see, I struggle daily with finding joy in my life. Or something like that. If you are a stay at home mom and are in love with spending every minute of your day with small people, you are insane. Or that is my point of view. I struggle with self worth, what am I doing with my life. I struggle with emotions about losing my mom, missing her greatly, dealing with our past issues I know I have to leave behind and all that comes with navigating life as a mom without a mom.
My house is perfect, my kids are healthy, my husband rocks, my friends are there for me and my combination of jobs creates the perfect life for me. BUT, I can't see that most times. How in the hell can I complain about one single thing when I have no hurdles in my life?
Sure, there are things lacking, things have changed since SS came into my life, but I am doing what I know to do and doing it daily. (Even as I type this, they are in a room alone, playing with toys, reading books to each other!) I have been down in the dumps because some people are letting me down. Do they know that? I doubt it. I don't mention it- all on me. I am frustrated with needing to borrow money from my husband. Am I rushing out to find a full time job, or tightening the purse strings? Nope. All my fault.
I guess the point of this rambling is we need to get off our asses, thank the ones in our life that make it perfect and start getting the word out about kids like this young lady. There are so many stories in the news about idiots killing, why are kids leaping over hurdles making it?
Thank you to the over 5,000 people that have shared this young lady. She is about to receive all new signs and such from Ranch House Designs, my employer. They are great and are helping her out.
Just a simple shot taught me a lesson. What have you learned from it?
Smile, don't hold grudges and move on. Deal with the bad when it gets to you. Don't create it out of thin air. Just roll with life, hug people and laugh.
Wisdom from moi!
Thanks, KCK
I had just strolled into a day at the Oklahoma Youth Expo. I was tired, grouchy and all around not enjoying the evening I had just encountered. One of my perfectly healthy members of Surround Sound decided that night before to have an all night dance party. Oh well, it was fun for her. I was at whits end that afternoon.
As I looked down from my perch, I saw this young girl. I snapped a simple, non-artistic shot and ran away. I wiped tears from my eyes, called a mentor I spoke to an hour before and then called my husband and apologized for my evil morning attitude.
You see, I struggle daily with finding joy in my life. Or something like that. If you are a stay at home mom and are in love with spending every minute of your day with small people, you are insane. Or that is my point of view. I struggle with self worth, what am I doing with my life. I struggle with emotions about losing my mom, missing her greatly, dealing with our past issues I know I have to leave behind and all that comes with navigating life as a mom without a mom.
My house is perfect, my kids are healthy, my husband rocks, my friends are there for me and my combination of jobs creates the perfect life for me. BUT, I can't see that most times. How in the hell can I complain about one single thing when I have no hurdles in my life?
Sure, there are things lacking, things have changed since SS came into my life, but I am doing what I know to do and doing it daily. (Even as I type this, they are in a room alone, playing with toys, reading books to each other!) I have been down in the dumps because some people are letting me down. Do they know that? I doubt it. I don't mention it- all on me. I am frustrated with needing to borrow money from my husband. Am I rushing out to find a full time job, or tightening the purse strings? Nope. All my fault.
I guess the point of this rambling is we need to get off our asses, thank the ones in our life that make it perfect and start getting the word out about kids like this young lady. There are so many stories in the news about idiots killing, why are kids leaping over hurdles making it?
Thank you to the over 5,000 people that have shared this young lady. She is about to receive all new signs and such from Ranch House Designs, my employer. They are great and are helping her out.
Just a simple shot taught me a lesson. What have you learned from it?
Smile, don't hold grudges and move on. Deal with the bad when it gets to you. Don't create it out of thin air. Just roll with life, hug people and laugh.
Wisdom from moi!
Thanks, KCK
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