Yes. I have an account. Yes. I have done some recipes and crafts from that world. But more and more I am becoming annoyed with it.
I have a workout board. I don't workout. I want to, I just don't. I hate the shape my body has taken on lately and I am to blame. Too much beer, not enough walking and a few days of running with the kids in the yard isn't cutting it. I am still putting my thunder thighs in my designer jeans and ignoring going in public. Sure would hate for people to make fun of me like I do them.
Crafts are fun. Crafting is cheaper than buying things. I find it to raise my blood pressure and end up half-assed. I am ADD, self diagnosed for what it is worth, and I forget to finish or I see something shiny and walk off. Those women that pin things.... are they doing a majority of them? Do they really have time to make a Dollar Tree picture frame look like a designer Chevron one? Or did they really make their own rug out of some grass and paint? I doubt it. But, that will be the mystery behind the website.
I love the recipe idea. But, now I am inundated with recipes on FB. Stop people. I have a hard enough time walking away from food. I can founder on chips and dip, I can't put down a Diet Coke and I test too much of my own cooking before serving... I bloat. But, this is still my go to place for stuff. If you saw my cookbooks and printed recipes you would know I can't find a damn thing. Thanks for the board, Pinterest.
Now how about the stay organized section of this demonic site? Meal planning printables? To do list ones? Come on. Grab a damn piece of paper, save the printer ink and use your God given talent of using the English language. Or, how about the ones that show us how to make our pantry more organized? Wonderful, for a day or two then all hell breaks loose, someone else in the house- maybe a man- can't find what he wants and a bomb goes off in the pantry. Back to square one and you will never get those initial hours of time back. NEVER.
There are even people with a bash board type section. Ladies, stop. If you husband is a cheating loser, don't bore us with your dumb board. Grab your checkbook, pack your bags and find a divorce lawyer, not your friends on Pinterest. Because odds are if you are airing your dirty laundry there, you are bitching to your girlfriends and they are over it, bored and scared to answer the phone. Wonder why you leave a ton of voicemails? Hmp.
And weddings. Holy shit is this dumb. You aren't engaged, dating or otherwise in the planning mode of weddings. Stop scaring off your future suitors by pinning your wedding colors, theme, hair, photog, etc. Men aren't dumb. They know you are just waiting to drop some sperm into the mix and you don't care who it is. You are going to use that plan with Mr. A, B, C or D. Don't forget to let the ink dry before moving on to the nursery planning board.
Teaching my kids is my number 1 priority. However, I am okay with buying store bought bubbles, reading them stories from hand me down books and using Pampers diapers. I don't have any desire to find a new project every week and beat myself up if it doesn't work. I do enough beating up of thy self on a daily basis for not being totally perfect anyway. I don't need a failed gallon of non-functioning bubbles to push me over the edge.
I did get some b-day party ideas off here. I wore myself out, used all my printer ink and got paper cuts. I am 100 percent sure that Surround Sound won't remember them in a few years. But, I saved them to show off in later years. However, big parties won't roll around every year. No way, no how. I don't have the energy to make a production out of the day they were born. Maybe like say at the age of 4.... when they can remember things, tell me what they want, wipe their own asses. But, get your glue gun out and go to town ladies. I won't feel bad when I ditch your kids parties b/c that isn't my scene. I won't feel bad when you put thousands of dollars into the production, which is only for the parents not the kids. I will however join you in a few years and eat my words. I know I will:)
What this is about is the fact that I feel inadaquate by not doing the things these Super Women are doing. Oh well, comes with the territory. I guess I should be greatful for the distraction when lunch is ready, kids are napping and most of my "work" is done for the day.
Now to finish a project. See, damn ADD kicked in again and I wrote this! HA
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Let me help you men out....
Let me help you guys out. I want to translate some of the things women say and do and their true meaning.
"I am going to take a shower." This statement is uttered after the kids are asleep. The real meaning isn't to knock on the door the moment the water shuts off. A mother wants, needs, HAS to have a few minutes alone. Meaning without kids and even you. Yes. YOU! She loves you. She enjoys your time. But she would enjoy bathing, lotioning, brushing her teeth alone, without a child crying or an adult male humping her leg like a chihuahua .
If you notice the small suitcase that has always been on the top of the closet MISSING.... Your wife is leaving you. Maybe not for good, but for a few hours, days even. Don't judge her. There are only so many hours she can talk to midgets, scrub the floor and toss your nasty underwear in the washing machine before she wants her own bed and the remote. You will notice she left you dinner and has her cell phone. Call her, make a date, play nice and she will come home.
Cooking isn't fun. We only do it to feed our families. Join us at the table and shut up about it:) Even with all the technology we have now, not all of us have time to find a new creation each meal. There is nothing wrong with a frozen pizza every now and again. If we are mom's, we are more worried about feeding our children healthy stuff. We figure you are big enough to feed yourself and suffer the consequences.
If your woman likes to work, don't think it is a bad thing. My situation is one where working a full-time office job won't yield money. I have twins. I couldn't budget right and not pay to go to an office. But, there are women who use their womb to get out of work. Why? I have no clue b/c it isn't fun to stare at your house, change diapers and generally do the same shit every day. Some women might think it will be fun, but they are medicated. If you have a lady love that wants to work, help the hooker out. Come home from the office, entertain the kids and just smile. You are lucky.
"What did you do today?" That isn't the smartest thing to utter upon entering the house. I am just saying. Does she want a rundown of everything you did. In my position, I have been in the house with my kids. Things got done, most of which you can't see. Did you notice your pee stains are no longer on the underside of the toilet seat? Nope. That is because you don't put it up in the first place to know that you infested that section of the house. See those groceries in the pantry? Those are more organized than they were when you drove out this morning.
A woman loves makeup. She might not wear it every day, but you sure like when she has it on. Don't judge her for purchasing it or even selling it. She is trying to amp up the sex appeal she yearns to have. We women, as a whole, love to think we are sexy. So we might not always hit a home run when we try, but it is the trying that counts. Enjoy her drawer full of "crap" as you so term it. You might just get luck. Like the lucky you want to get!
"Let's get plastic, padded rugs for the kitchen." Nope. Never good. They are tacky. And DON'T respond with "well some of this stuff is tacky, too." First off, women today don't want a reminder that they have dishes to put away or food to cook. That is so June Cleaver. Also, you might be behind the fact that the furniture isn't 100 percent matchy, matchy, so shut your pie hole. She has taken the time to make a space go from bland to believable. Like she believes she is an adult, but wants some randomness to her life to help her remember her college days.
Never ask a lady if she wants a drink. She most certainly does. If she is in my shoes, she wants one because her over active ovaries blessed her with a herd of kids at one time and she might need to stop thinking for a second. Bring her a damn drink.
Don't just call to check in. Sorry. Some crazy people think this is acceptable. But she thinks you want or need something and you are fishing to see if she is wrestling an alien that invaded her life, all be it for the better. Sometimes women, mom's the most, don't want to offer their spare time up to your random searching expeditions. But, we will. We are doers.
I hope this helps, boys:)
"I am going to take a shower." This statement is uttered after the kids are asleep. The real meaning isn't to knock on the door the moment the water shuts off. A mother wants, needs, HAS to have a few minutes alone. Meaning without kids and even you. Yes. YOU! She loves you. She enjoys your time. But she would enjoy bathing, lotioning, brushing her teeth alone, without a child crying or an adult male humping her leg like a chihuahua .
If you notice the small suitcase that has always been on the top of the closet MISSING.... Your wife is leaving you. Maybe not for good, but for a few hours, days even. Don't judge her. There are only so many hours she can talk to midgets, scrub the floor and toss your nasty underwear in the washing machine before she wants her own bed and the remote. You will notice she left you dinner and has her cell phone. Call her, make a date, play nice and she will come home.
Cooking isn't fun. We only do it to feed our families. Join us at the table and shut up about it:) Even with all the technology we have now, not all of us have time to find a new creation each meal. There is nothing wrong with a frozen pizza every now and again. If we are mom's, we are more worried about feeding our children healthy stuff. We figure you are big enough to feed yourself and suffer the consequences.
If your woman likes to work, don't think it is a bad thing. My situation is one where working a full-time office job won't yield money. I have twins. I couldn't budget right and not pay to go to an office. But, there are women who use their womb to get out of work. Why? I have no clue b/c it isn't fun to stare at your house, change diapers and generally do the same shit every day. Some women might think it will be fun, but they are medicated. If you have a lady love that wants to work, help the hooker out. Come home from the office, entertain the kids and just smile. You are lucky.
"What did you do today?" That isn't the smartest thing to utter upon entering the house. I am just saying. Does she want a rundown of everything you did. In my position, I have been in the house with my kids. Things got done, most of which you can't see. Did you notice your pee stains are no longer on the underside of the toilet seat? Nope. That is because you don't put it up in the first place to know that you infested that section of the house. See those groceries in the pantry? Those are more organized than they were when you drove out this morning.
A woman loves makeup. She might not wear it every day, but you sure like when she has it on. Don't judge her for purchasing it or even selling it. She is trying to amp up the sex appeal she yearns to have. We women, as a whole, love to think we are sexy. So we might not always hit a home run when we try, but it is the trying that counts. Enjoy her drawer full of "crap" as you so term it. You might just get luck. Like the lucky you want to get!
"Let's get plastic, padded rugs for the kitchen." Nope. Never good. They are tacky. And DON'T respond with "well some of this stuff is tacky, too." First off, women today don't want a reminder that they have dishes to put away or food to cook. That is so June Cleaver. Also, you might be behind the fact that the furniture isn't 100 percent matchy, matchy, so shut your pie hole. She has taken the time to make a space go from bland to believable. Like she believes she is an adult, but wants some randomness to her life to help her remember her college days.
Never ask a lady if she wants a drink. She most certainly does. If she is in my shoes, she wants one because her over active ovaries blessed her with a herd of kids at one time and she might need to stop thinking for a second. Bring her a damn drink.
Don't just call to check in. Sorry. Some crazy people think this is acceptable. But she thinks you want or need something and you are fishing to see if she is wrestling an alien that invaded her life, all be it for the better. Sometimes women, mom's the most, don't want to offer their spare time up to your random searching expeditions. But, we will. We are doers.
I hope this helps, boys:)
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Cleaning.... blows
My last deep cleaning session for our house was in January. I am not too proud to admit it. I have a set of wild ass twins that can kill a great smelling room in a matter of one rank diaper. That is my life.
Today included some sort of work, but mostly dried out, cracked hands from scrubbing. I found these things helpful.
1- Stepped on, smooshed into the tile sweet tater only comes up with elbow grease.
2- Sweeping is a workout.
3- I will never dust again. I will only use my vacuum and the attachment. Judge me. I don't care. Try it, you will convert like me.
4- Toys can multiply and make the scariest sounds ever.
5- Cereal rolls and then gives birth to more cereal under a couch, if left unattended and without proper sex ed classes.
6- I am going to pay for a vasectomy for my hubby since I would be an annoying, grey haired mom in a matter of moments if I found a positive sign on a pregnancy test.
7- My sniffer works better now than it did while knocked up. I found a rancid wash cloth under a bed. Wonder what make and model it is.
8- My old, lime green iPod is the best companion in the world. A dog would never live up to the standards it sets.
9- Receiving the property from my mom and dad's house set me back a few notches. I never wanted antiques in my home when they lived in my for real home, Indiana. Things are sinking in and I am swimming my hardest against the current of emotions.
10- House plants must be watered. Just a word of advice.
11- If I allowed myself to feed Surround Sound only fries and nuggets, my house would be cleaner and more sanitary. I will take somewhat grungy over fat, lazy kids. Sorry people. We eat fresh.
12- My crock pot might blow up if I don't learn how to cook any other way. Tonight menu- pork loin with peppers and carrots. Starving.
13- A bathroom is only as clean as it's owner. I will admit, I leave toothpaste in the sink, makeup gunked up on the counter and random shit all around. I call it my war room.
14- A person cleaning should wear a bra. I don't care if you are male, your boobs will sweat. Since calving, I don't think the girls are where they should be or where they once were. I want to nap on them. Drool in my cleavage. Well, today I got down to business without putting the girls in the home and I regret it. Don't be me.
15- Own stock in Mr. Clean Magic Erasers before you get knocked up. I killed three today getting little grubby ass stuff off the walls. Well, I guess if I had cleaned between the New Year and April Fools I wouldn't have had such an uphill battle.
16- Hug the ones that care for your kids. Mine are in great hands, I should go get them, but I am relishing the clean house I created. Not ready to grab the duo and let it go to waste before Chingy gets home. Such is life. However, without amazing Miss Leslie I would live in total and complete squallier.
17- Work should be getting done. I am boring you. Watch the Ranch House blog for some great sites. I need to write that up. Oops.
Peace, love and pork loin for dinner! KCK
Today included some sort of work, but mostly dried out, cracked hands from scrubbing. I found these things helpful.
1- Stepped on, smooshed into the tile sweet tater only comes up with elbow grease.
2- Sweeping is a workout.
3- I will never dust again. I will only use my vacuum and the attachment. Judge me. I don't care. Try it, you will convert like me.
4- Toys can multiply and make the scariest sounds ever.
5- Cereal rolls and then gives birth to more cereal under a couch, if left unattended and without proper sex ed classes.
6- I am going to pay for a vasectomy for my hubby since I would be an annoying, grey haired mom in a matter of moments if I found a positive sign on a pregnancy test.
7- My sniffer works better now than it did while knocked up. I found a rancid wash cloth under a bed. Wonder what make and model it is.
8- My old, lime green iPod is the best companion in the world. A dog would never live up to the standards it sets.
9- Receiving the property from my mom and dad's house set me back a few notches. I never wanted antiques in my home when they lived in my for real home, Indiana. Things are sinking in and I am swimming my hardest against the current of emotions.
10- House plants must be watered. Just a word of advice.
11- If I allowed myself to feed Surround Sound only fries and nuggets, my house would be cleaner and more sanitary. I will take somewhat grungy over fat, lazy kids. Sorry people. We eat fresh.
12- My crock pot might blow up if I don't learn how to cook any other way. Tonight menu- pork loin with peppers and carrots. Starving.
13- A bathroom is only as clean as it's owner. I will admit, I leave toothpaste in the sink, makeup gunked up on the counter and random shit all around. I call it my war room.
14- A person cleaning should wear a bra. I don't care if you are male, your boobs will sweat. Since calving, I don't think the girls are where they should be or where they once were. I want to nap on them. Drool in my cleavage. Well, today I got down to business without putting the girls in the home and I regret it. Don't be me.
15- Own stock in Mr. Clean Magic Erasers before you get knocked up. I killed three today getting little grubby ass stuff off the walls. Well, I guess if I had cleaned between the New Year and April Fools I wouldn't have had such an uphill battle.
16- Hug the ones that care for your kids. Mine are in great hands, I should go get them, but I am relishing the clean house I created. Not ready to grab the duo and let it go to waste before Chingy gets home. Such is life. However, without amazing Miss Leslie I would live in total and complete squallier.
17- Work should be getting done. I am boring you. Watch the Ranch House blog for some great sites. I need to write that up. Oops.
Peace, love and pork loin for dinner! KCK
Monday, April 1, 2013
Journal of a disfunctional mom
So, I am learning the ropes of being a mom every minute of every day. Here are some things I have compiled that I suggest you NEVER do when you decide to populate the world.
DON'T teach your kids to jump off a couch onto a pile of pillows. You see, a 16-month-old won't pay attention to their landing pad and continue to jump.
DON'T burp in front of you babes. Mine now try to do the same thing. They shouldn't.
DON'T teach them to stick their tongue out and make spit. That needs no explanation, but I have learned the hard way.
NEVER say things to them like this "Get your mouse away from your kitty!!" This is said alot to my daughter since she finds it funny that I laugh and respond that way when she sticks her Mickey Mouse close to her girlie parts.
KEEP all wipes put away. They aren't cheap, they don't give them away with diapers. Little hands can cover a room in a whole package if left unattended. Looks like it snowed up in here.
DO teach them the word snack. You can calm a kid down in a heart beat if you say "Want a snack?!" I follow this by making mine sit on the kitchen floor. Some say I treat them like dogs, but I am out numbered so don't judge.
SIGN language is good. The sign for "change" the diaper is bad. It is a motion by the Velcro part of the diaper. Next thing you know your child will dump a loaded gun on the ground and think it is funny.
NEVER let you kids nap without pants on. Another instance of finding poop in places you never thought.
BELIEVE you will know all the characters in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and embrace the theme song. It kicks Barney's ass and is so much cooler.
EMBRACE a hat. I wear one most days. It is okay. Hat's combined with a sweater and yoga pant outfit. Never good. Trust me, been there, accidentally did that- I am on People of Walmart, I just know it.
HEAR everything. When you hear nothing, panic, run and pray your house isn't falling down. Unless it is nap time, then embrace it and pretend like you are a rich woman with no responsibility. Every now and again set on the couch, feet up and watch a Real Housewives re-run. Good for the soul.
BUY a crock pot. Use it. Only way you can eat a home cooked meal on most days.
ALLOW for a mess. Messes get cleaned up. Sanity never comes back. Once you are gone, you will never find yourself again.
SOCKS run away. Just know that. Kids socks never find their mate until you toss one and then it crawls out from its hiding spot longing for its love. Nature of the beast.
POOP is disgusting. Gag, it is okay. You will. Just make sure you don't get so bad that you puke, or put a nice trashcan close to the changing location.
DON'T invest in a diaper genie. They still smell horrible and are ugly. Take the trash out. Might be the only fresh air you get that day!
NEVER wake a sleeping baby. NEVER EVER. If you are stuck with them all day, stress this to your loved ones. Nothing sucks worse than when Circle K is going on a stretch of sales and wants to see them before he leaves. Surround Sound smiles for him, cries all day for me. Tell your hubby you will send pictures and keep you hair in your head.
MULTIPLES. Buy in multiples. Well, I calved a herd, so I have to, but you should too. You will never have too many sheets, changing pad covers or white t-shirts.
PEROXIDE is great for the first step of stain removal. Babies are filthy pigs. Lay of the land, but don't stress over stains if you don't have to. Peroxide then Shout it out and you should be good. They grow too fast and they are expensive little devils:)
Do as I say and not as I do! Have a great week. Let me know if this helps you at all! LOL
DON'T teach your kids to jump off a couch onto a pile of pillows. You see, a 16-month-old won't pay attention to their landing pad and continue to jump.
DON'T burp in front of you babes. Mine now try to do the same thing. They shouldn't.
DON'T teach them to stick their tongue out and make spit. That needs no explanation, but I have learned the hard way.
NEVER say things to them like this "Get your mouse away from your kitty!!" This is said alot to my daughter since she finds it funny that I laugh and respond that way when she sticks her Mickey Mouse close to her girlie parts.
KEEP all wipes put away. They aren't cheap, they don't give them away with diapers. Little hands can cover a room in a whole package if left unattended. Looks like it snowed up in here.
DO teach them the word snack. You can calm a kid down in a heart beat if you say "Want a snack?!" I follow this by making mine sit on the kitchen floor. Some say I treat them like dogs, but I am out numbered so don't judge.
SIGN language is good. The sign for "change" the diaper is bad. It is a motion by the Velcro part of the diaper. Next thing you know your child will dump a loaded gun on the ground and think it is funny.
NEVER let you kids nap without pants on. Another instance of finding poop in places you never thought.
BELIEVE you will know all the characters in Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and embrace the theme song. It kicks Barney's ass and is so much cooler.
EMBRACE a hat. I wear one most days. It is okay. Hat's combined with a sweater and yoga pant outfit. Never good. Trust me, been there, accidentally did that- I am on People of Walmart, I just know it.
HEAR everything. When you hear nothing, panic, run and pray your house isn't falling down. Unless it is nap time, then embrace it and pretend like you are a rich woman with no responsibility. Every now and again set on the couch, feet up and watch a Real Housewives re-run. Good for the soul.
BUY a crock pot. Use it. Only way you can eat a home cooked meal on most days.
ALLOW for a mess. Messes get cleaned up. Sanity never comes back. Once you are gone, you will never find yourself again.
SOCKS run away. Just know that. Kids socks never find their mate until you toss one and then it crawls out from its hiding spot longing for its love. Nature of the beast.
POOP is disgusting. Gag, it is okay. You will. Just make sure you don't get so bad that you puke, or put a nice trashcan close to the changing location.
DON'T invest in a diaper genie. They still smell horrible and are ugly. Take the trash out. Might be the only fresh air you get that day!
NEVER wake a sleeping baby. NEVER EVER. If you are stuck with them all day, stress this to your loved ones. Nothing sucks worse than when Circle K is going on a stretch of sales and wants to see them before he leaves. Surround Sound smiles for him, cries all day for me. Tell your hubby you will send pictures and keep you hair in your head.
MULTIPLES. Buy in multiples. Well, I calved a herd, so I have to, but you should too. You will never have too many sheets, changing pad covers or white t-shirts.
PEROXIDE is great for the first step of stain removal. Babies are filthy pigs. Lay of the land, but don't stress over stains if you don't have to. Peroxide then Shout it out and you should be good. They grow too fast and they are expensive little devils:)
Do as I say and not as I do! Have a great week. Let me know if this helps you at all! LOL
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