Letter to mom

Momma,

It has been three months since you left for Heaven. In my mind that is a good 30 years too early. I am learning I took our relationship for granted. I know you love me, your love will never leave and your smile still looks down on me. However, how am I going to do this.

There are many people living without a parent, but I didn't want to be one of them. I am selfish, you know that. You went too soon. I am raising my kids without you. It isn't fair, but I have to do it. I have reached for my phone, to call you, so many times this week it isn't funny.When the kids weren't feeling right, their doctor wasn't helping them. I needed you to give me some guidance.

Everyone misses you. They ask about you all the time. I am doing my best to let the kids hear about you. Will that matter in the long run? I hope so. You are present in pictures that I will never let go of. They will see the cool Colts clothes you gave them, they will know how much you loved them and they have copies of pictures of y'all together in safe spot. I promise to keep you alive.

Your memorial was great. Not a dry eye in the house, besides me. I didn't cry, I haven't let loose yet. Does that offend you or make you mad? You raised me to be tough, but you have seen my tears. I know when they come, they will be hard to shut off. I am trying to work through some stuff. You know that better than anyone.

We donated your amazing collection of clothes- how did one woman amass almost 200 pairs of jeans?!?! It was a walk down memory lane and of course you got the last word. The letter you left us girls hurt me. Never did I think I would be pillaging your stuff, getting what I wanted to keep as memories and giving it to someone else. Please know it went to great places to help people. They will be warm and happy in them.

I will take care of Daddy in Oklahoma, but I will need you to help a little, too. Please keep an eye on him, since you know he is no spring chicken:)

And in closing, how am I going to know if I am living up to what you expected of me? I got to the house, sat by your side in your last moments and that is all I wanted to ask you. I wish I would have made it earlier for one last mommy daughter talk.

Know I will hold on to the motto of "It isn't the letting go that hurts, it is the holding on!" You inspire me and I hope to do that for my kids.

I miss you more every day. I love you more, too.
Me.