Let me help you men out....

Let me help you guys out. I want to translate some of the things women say and do and their true meaning.

"I am going to take a shower." This statement is uttered after the kids are asleep. The real meaning isn't to knock on the door the moment the water shuts off. A mother wants, needs, HAS to have a few minutes alone. Meaning without kids and even you. Yes. YOU! She loves you. She enjoys your time. But she would enjoy bathing, lotioning, brushing her teeth alone, without a child crying or an adult male humping her leg like a chihuahua .

If you notice the small suitcase that has always been on the top of the closet MISSING.... Your wife is leaving you. Maybe not for good, but for a few hours, days even. Don't judge her. There are only so many hours she can talk to midgets, scrub the floor and toss your nasty underwear in the washing machine before she wants her own bed and the remote. You will notice she left you dinner and has her cell phone. Call her, make a date, play nice and she will come home.

Cooking isn't fun. We only do it to feed our families. Join us at the table and shut up about it:) Even with all the technology we have now, not all of us have time to find a new creation each meal. There is nothing wrong with a frozen pizza every now and again. If we are mom's, we are more worried about feeding our children healthy stuff. We figure you are big enough to feed yourself and suffer the consequences.

If your woman likes to work, don't think it is a bad thing. My situation is one where working a full-time office job won't yield money. I have twins. I couldn't budget right and not pay to go to an office. But, there are women who use their womb to get out of work. Why? I have no clue b/c it isn't fun to stare at your house, change diapers and generally do the same shit every day. Some women might think it will be fun, but they are medicated. If you have a lady love that wants to work, help the hooker out. Come home from the office, entertain the kids and just smile. You are lucky.

"What did you do today?" That isn't the smartest thing to utter upon entering the house. I am just saying. Does she want a rundown of everything you did. In my position, I have been in the house with my kids. Things got done, most of which you can't see. Did you notice your pee stains are no longer on the underside of the toilet seat? Nope. That is because you don't put it up in the first place to know that you infested that section of the house. See those groceries in the pantry? Those are more organized than they were when you drove out this morning.

A woman loves makeup. She might not wear it every day, but you sure like when she has it on. Don't judge her for purchasing it or even selling it. She is trying to amp up the sex appeal she yearns to have. We women, as a whole, love to think we are sexy. So we might not always hit a home run when we try, but it is the trying that counts. Enjoy her drawer full of "crap" as you so term it. You might just get luck. Like the lucky you want to get!

"Let's get plastic, padded rugs for the kitchen." Nope. Never good. They are tacky. And DON'T respond with "well some of this stuff is tacky, too." First off, women today don't want a reminder that they have dishes to put away or food to cook. That is so June Cleaver. Also, you might be behind the fact that the furniture isn't 100 percent matchy, matchy, so shut your pie hole. She has taken the time to make a space go from bland to believable. Like she believes she is an adult, but wants some randomness to her life to help her remember her college days.

Never ask a lady if she wants a drink. She most certainly does. If she is in my shoes, she wants one because her over active ovaries blessed her with a herd of kids at one time and she might need to stop thinking for a second. Bring her a damn drink.

Don't just call to check in. Sorry. Some crazy people think this is acceptable. But she thinks you want or need something and you are fishing to see if she is wrestling an alien that invaded her life, all be it for the better. Sometimes women, mom's the most, don't want to offer their spare time up to your random searching expeditions. But, we will. We are doers.

I hope this helps, boys:)