I have enough

I get blue sometimes, so this blog is to knock me out of my funk about what I do and don't have. And the use of the word "enough" isn't a knock against my life. I feel we are all concentrating on getting more, and never realize that we have enough to make us happy.

My house is big enough.

 

My kids are advanced enough.

 

My wardrobe is full enough.

 

My car is fast enough.

 

My freezer is stocked well enough.

 

I sell enough of Mary Kay and for Ranch House

My office is organized enough.

 

 

Of course I could put these statements behind each one:
My house isn't clean enough.

My kids are behaving enough.

My wardrobe isn't in style enough.

My car isn't new enough.

My freezer isn't full enough.

I don't sell enough.

My office isn't organized well enough.

 

But where will that get me? Nowhere but to the pharamcy for some antacids!

We have enough. We have each other. We have love. We have lives people could only dream of. You, yes you, you have enough:) (and have had enough of my blog, huh?:)

KCK

Mental Health Break

So, Saturday I took a mental health break from my family, from life. I went to the mall, bought myself a dress. Get this: It was regularly $198, yes almost $200, and I got it for $60. Cha-ching. However, as I wondered Dillards trying to spend my gift card, I felt like I was cheating my kids. Ugh. That damn guilt crept in again. How rude of it.

I ate Mexican, had a beer, talked to strangers and felt totally alive when I left. However, the crowds and the thought of all the flu germs made me exit about 12 miles from my car, to walk in the freezing ass cold to get to it, but I was fine with that. It seems that I had time to think and make up an excuse for buying myself a dress. Why in the hell do I need an excuse to spend a gift card on myself? Well, I guess it is because some of it was from returning too small of clothes for the kids. Whoops, but come one- their closets are loaded to the gills and I am hoping they slow down on the growing SOON.

There are too many times that I want to get away and when I finally do, with Chingy holding down the fort, all I can think about is what I have at the house. I must say, that was my motivation for getting out. Mind you, I won't have many more weekends with my husband, as sale season kicks into gear and I also won't have many times with the kids and he, but who cares? We are a family, we eat dinners together and are in a routine that fits us. And don't think for a moment that I am one of those women who thinks her baby daddy can't take care of the midgets. I know I never need to wonder about that for one single moment. I don't. He can. He does. I am lucky.

I also took a mental health break and went to Denver. That was great. I worked, saw my dad and talked to so many people over three feet tall that it was nuts. Not something I do in my new every day life. I know too many people that won't let themselves have a break for a minute or two that I worry for them. Or am I the one that people should worry about? Am I too okay with walking away from reality for a minute? Is that going to screw my kids up down the road? Nah. It will only make me a raging, broom riding, scathingly irate woman down the road.

Embrace your need for space, freedom, friends. Well, I do for space and freedom, I find it hard to get with friends these days. Case in point- trying to schedule a girls weekend should not be as hard as it is right now. We are all adults, with our own money and our own resources to get from point A to point B. But work, kids, life are getting in our way. Calgon...take me back to Stillwater. I was never so happy as I was then; working a part time, minimum wage job at the beef barn, going to class, skipping it a bit, never knowing if I could eat out. However, there was always cold penny beer and friends to make it all better. I cried over lost relationships, fought with tests, sold textbooks for beer money. Now, I wipe stinky asses, work many part-time jobs to make ends meet, clip coupons and sleep with the same dude every night. Man how times have changed. But, in the end I still need a break from it all, but I am content.

Contentment is way better than being happy. Or so I will say. It makes you laugh, cry, smile and chastice your kids when they do wrong. Being happy was just a day to day thing. I didn't know if it would last. This feeling will. But it seems that I only remember that after I have taken some mental health moments.

So grab you calendars, ditch your kids and head out this week or weekend. Be a free spirit, live again a little on your own. Report back how it went. You won't regret it, I promise.

Does worrying help?

If you say you don't worry, you are full of shit! I am calling you out. Then why don't you quit that dead-end job and chase your dream? Huh? Or why are you too scared to ask someone their honest to God opinion? I worry, but where does it get me? It gets me in front of the mirror screwtinzing a grey hair. It puts me in the market for Botox to kill the wrinkles. It makes me use Zantac more often than I apply deodorant.

Things are not in our control, to an extent. Control is only an illusion, so worrying is the next best thing. I have issues with it. Nine times out of 10 Karma takes over, slaps me in the face and ruins my plans to stop the worrying, but hey, who am I to control that ruthless hooker? I just have to get up and  crawl away until I am able to walk again.

Ever had a loved one 12-hours away, about to undergo surgery? What did you do when they told you not to attempt to be there that day? Worry for them? Yep. That is what I am doing from now until my daddy's knee surgery. Will it help him? No. But it will make me feel like I am a part of it with my constant badgering.

So, my kids drink out of the same cup and the flu is rampant. I can't make them stop. Or, I should say I don't have enough time. Yes- I worry about the flu. It is closing schools in Oklahoma. But how in the hell am I supposed to go to the grocery, interact with the human race and constantly worry about their well being? I don't have enough brain cells for all of that.

What about working mothers? Or working stay at home moms? None of us know if we are doing a damn thing right. Case in point: Surround Sound has/have (twins... grammer police tell me the proper thing) found this new thing called tantrums. They enjoy rearing back, arching the spines and screaming. So, I join them. Might not be the best thing in the world, but I enjoy it. I let them jam out to some dirty, curse word laden rap last night. So what. I can't worry about their brains being sponges at that moment. We were dancing and I was actually getting some exercise. That is not something that happens too much lately, even if the machine at Sam's club told me I was in excellent health. Blow me, no I am not. My designer jeans are too snug. I look like I have am trying to smuggle Snookie in my britches.

Another random stupid thing I worry about....... My house isn't clean. Who gives a flying crap about that? There are days when my clothes don't match, nor do my kids' clothes match. But you know what, we have a roof over our heads, I read them books, they are thriving and happy. I am over worrying if the blankets are folded of if there are a few dishes in the sink. That is in my control, but is something that I am willing to admit doesn't interest me when I can roll around on the floor and make Surround Sound laugh that cherubic laugh that I thrive on. Do you get the joy from that or are YOU so OCD that you can't stand to leave a pair of shoes on the floor? I am going to speak out of turn if you are one of those- get over it, get over yourselves and get in touch with those babies you spawned.

How about the people that do it all, Pinterest and Hobby Lobby creations? Ugh. Vomit. Go away, leave me alone and get off the pills. I made some birthday decorations for the kids. Will they remember? Maybe because I saved some for them to see later. Otherwise, they wouldn't know if there were even people here. Why go broke for a small childs party? Don't worry- do you remember those times. I don't and I know my mom tried her hardest to make them all special. If she couldn't do it, no one can. Promise you that.

My point is let's all stop worrying about the little stuff and get involved in the broad scheme of things. Making our kids better people for the horribly shitty world we have created for them. Smiling and remembering the good, not the negative. Make sure we tell our loved ones we love them and not pointing out their flaws. Getting help when we need it and taking time to listen to the ones in our lives that could use an ear. Really are we that busy? In  this world, we are too connected to not listen.

Thanks for doing these little things for me. KCK

Anger

I am, by nature, not an angry person. I am a helper. A doer. An annoying talk to fast, brainstorm on the fly gal. I don't deal well with being pushed around or argued with. But as of late, I am angry.  But not as angry as one of my family members. They are just down right evil and I know they have been dealt a raw hand lately. I ask you this- how do you deal with a person that won't listen?

Things in my life piss me off these days. I find myself arguing for no reason, unable to stop the word vomit from spewing out of my mouth. I am aware of this. I am working on it. But this family member isn't noticing these things in themselves, just pointing these flaws out in me.

Let me stand up for myself for one second: I have a few people in my life that will argue with me on ever point. "The sky is blue," I say. "NO, you are dead wrong," they say. I call these people friends, but about the time I start to stand up for myself they shut down. That makes me mad. Why do I have to take it and deal with it in good humor? Because of the points I started this blog with, I guess.

My lack of full time, paycheck twice a month, job makes me angry. The reasons that caused me to leave the job, due to the bonehead owner, make me mad. The fact that he couldn't grow a set of nuts and fire me gets me pissed. But, instead of brooding about it, I found other ways to bring in checks. I don't ever want my husband to assume I want him to support me. I love work, was bred to work.

Sure, I lost my mom here on Earth. She isn't lost in Spirit. I can handle that. I really can. Now, mind you I am not totally going about "handling" it in the right way, but for now it works. I might say "I am fine" one too many times or drink one too many beers. I know that. I am not too scared to ask for help. Getting through a death doesn't come with a recipe that works for everyone.

But this family member is jaded. I can't get them to see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Short of pushing that person to seek counseling, I don't know what to do. I am afraid I will BLOW up and lose them for good. They tell me I am not handling things in an effective manner. Neither are you pal. But, if I am a helper, why am I just letting it make me mad and not helping that person? Because I am scared? Yep. I am a big old fradey cat.

In what ways can a person get headed in the right direction and get rid of the anger? What makes the tears finally fall? Who is the best person to help? And why, when that family member gets defensive, do they point out my recent weight gain? Well the answer to that one is they know it will piss me off and get me in their face. Ooops. Guess I am a bit angry about that.

And even as I typed that I once again wonder why I even give a shit. How come the ones of us that seem strong, have to always be that way, even when we just want to drive off? There are times that the last place on Earth I want to go it home. I think everyone feels that at some point in their life. I mean, it is an amazing house filled with badass kids and a perfect husband. (retraction- perfect for us husband) But I mean, come on...... routines are in place, days are laid out, the house gets dirty. If I keep busy, I don't think. If I slow down, I think and I want to drive to Orlando, hang out with Mickey Mouse and forget life. Am I wrong? Nope. Just one of the few mom's who will admit it. And that makes my family member livid at me.

Maybe I am the common denominator in this whole deal. Maybe I am causing all of that person's anger by caring and wanting to help. That might be the ticket. But come hell or high water I am in this to win it. I am going to let that person know that I am not leaving them alone until we are all not angry any more. What else is there to do? Batton down the hatches and hold on to your purses, ladies. .... this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Having forced you folks to read this rant makes me smile. You poor people:) But then again, I wonder if it seems extremely stupid to type this, asking for the golden ticket of therapy to help us all out of this rut. There is not golden ticket to life, contrary to what some people think. I will just spell check this, post it and call that family member to let them yell at me, saving the next person from the dickheadedness that is that person these days. Please continue to love that person. They are really cool and don't mean what they say.

KCK

Doing it all?

As a mom, I think I need to do it all. But am I? I am working, I am raising twins, I am not putting my clothes away. Whoops. Guess I don't have it all together. Will I ever? I doubt it. But am I wrong to be blogging instead of writing one of two articles? Yep. Maybe. I feel guilty in a way.

However, I think I am doing it all. I think we all are. I have an agricultural background. I know how to work. I won't let someone tell me I can not do something and I won't become a purden on society. I won't raise my kids to become lazy, apathetic, gamers who demand that I "work" for them. No ma'am. I will let them get a job. I will let them ride the bus. I will let them load the dishwasher. I am doing it all, including molding fine citizens. Now, will DHS read this and get upset.... No. But, will some mothers think that is not how kids should be treated, YES. Why?

In an attempt to do it all, I am eager to pull in a paycheck, while raising two milk gussling, fresh fruit eating, run in all directions kids. I don't tell them to stay in one room, I don't utilize the baby gate and I don't know if I am raising a set of hethons. Guess one more strike of not doing it all.

I curse in front of them, help them remember their grandma, make them set on the floor to have a snack. I don't get to mop that often, most of the time my fridge is a science experiment. Damn. Strike again. But, how will I know if they will remember the grungy floor or the nasty salad in the fridge? I will never know. I can handle that.

There are days I wear a hat, maybe multiple days in a row. For some reason, doing my hair pains me and makes me think that I could be selling a web blast or writing an article. Therefore, my kids often do a double take when they see me with my hair done. Oops. Strike 3, or is it 4?

My point is I am a partial stay at home mom, I am a partial employee but I am 100 percent giving life all I can. I have friends stressing out about balancing life between an office and a family? They are all women. Why do we do this to ourselves? When did we get to the point that we have to do it all? When did guilt become a way of life once a child starts growing in our wombs? My thought is always, but the changes in life are more rapid these days.

Ladies, listen. You may take your kid to daycare. Who cares? You still provide, love and teach them. You might be like me and work as many part time jobs as you can to feel fullfilled. But, what is better... getting a check or spending the day listening to a baby giggle? I was on a work call this week when one of the babes walked up to me holding a diaper and the wipe container. Strike 4,000 I guess, in some women's mind. Not mine. I think it is hilarious. She knew mommy was busy and might need a reminder that she birthed kids and they wear diapers. My bad.

So, long and short of it we can't do it all. Who gives a shit? Just us. Keep on keeping on. That is all I can say. I am going to keep on keeping on, right path for some women's values or not. Writers note: I am only writing this after my day of working from Panera. They are nice enough to let me steal wireless there for some work. I might have had a penis drawn on my computer by my brother. I may have flipped my laptop off repeatedly when it acted dumb and I was cursing outloud at the live feed of the Stock Show. Well, women looked at me like I was a creature with two heads. They had just got pedi's and a new prescription for mind altering drugs, I would venture to say. I wanted to tell them to lick my butt because I pride myself on working, making money and having the most amazing set of twins.

Peace out people. Going to tickle a baby now. Maybe change a diaper, if they are lucky.
KCK

Good Riddance, 2012

Well, it might have taken me 11 days to decide to put 2012 behind me, but I am. My life had too many highs and lows during the 365 days that create a full year. Going to give you some and get on with my 2013... since 13 is a favorite number of mine.

Highs: (Have to do positive first)

1- Surround Sound went from spitting up, to setting up, to walking upright. Major changes to my peripheral vision abilities, my spidey like sense of where they are and decorations in the home.

2- I quit my job- well, in the long run this is a high. I worked for a narrow minded man that I knew I couldn't trust. He took over a perfectly good company, from a very, very reputable gentleman and started making massive negative changes. "KC, your raise was implied, not promised," he said. Never mind the fact that it was in righting. "Increase your performance and I will give you one," he said. I asked how I would do that, help me help you sort of thing. "You will figure it out," he said. Nope, no sir, I don't trust you as far as I can throw you. After many talks with Chisolm, much wrestling with the fact that I am not a quitter, and many phone calls to line up other work, I told him to take a hike. Good for me.

3- We bought a new house. Doubled our size since we opted to double the size of our family in one crazy trip. Love it, love it, love it. Love the fact that our payments only went up $100/month due to the great interest rates they offered us. Couldn't have done it otherwise. I know have a home office, for days when I can sneak in a few hours of work with SS in the casa. We have a fence, for a puppy.. I mean for the kids to roam. Surround Sound has a giant play room that is about to be adorned with Pistol Pete and all things OSU! GO POKES

4- I found it within the realm of possibilities to still have a life with twins. With Chingy's sale schedule, we had a lot of daddy-less weekends. So, I took them to a couple shows, three tailgates for football, many trips to the outlet mall and visited countless friends. They sure can hang at a tailgate. Thankful they love people.

5- We hosted Thanksgiving at our new house. My mom got to see the house. We made prime rib that was to DIE FOR! Honest. Loved it. Try making some garlic, cilantro butter to pair with it. My stomach is a little jealous we don't have any here now! I was so glad to see my mom in the house that I will raise her grandkids in. I wanted nothing more than for her to see it before she took up her position in Heaven.

6- I started selling Mary Kay. There was so much of it going on my face each day that I finally decided to become a consultant. It is working great for me, with my schedule and limited budget. Love doing it. Was embarrassed at first, but over that now and on to building a client list.

7- Being a sales rep for Ranch House Designs is amazing. I was able to be the top grossing sales rep for the year and received a little bonus at the end. Nice to get a check, huh? LOL

Now let me dive into the lows. Honestly there weren't many, but they were some large ones.

In June, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She fought, it fought back, spreading to her whole body. I ravaged her, took her away from us even before she passed. I was able to spend many days in Indiana while she fought. After a while, her brain was not like the old Terri we knew and loved. She knew that Thanksgiving was her last trip, told my dad as much and spent only a few days in a coma like state before passing away. I don't say "died" because she lives on in my brother, myself and my kids. Their dimples remind me of her every day.

After a short plane ride, given to me by an amazing woman, I was home in time to set with her as she spent her last hours with us. I am selfish. I could not have watched her in that state for any longer than we did. She knew that. She waited for me, I talked to her and we lost her on Dec. 7... wow- a little over a month ago. How has it only been a month? When did time decide to stand still? This is going to be harder than I thought. I find myself reaching for the phone to call her. If only they had coverage in Heaven.

Anyway, she is gone, I am trying my damnest to raise these two wild children as she would like, and I must find a way to make her proud. I strive for that.

I also know that letting grudges go is harder than I thought, but I am working on it.

Okay. I am posting this. If I think too much, I might get sad, down and cry. I hate crying. Makes me look like an idiot. I snivel, get the hiccups, blabber, not cool.

Thanks for reading, tell your family you love them and let go of petty things that take over your life. Toss out the people that will ruin you. DO it for me.