Spray Tanning

I will admit. I am somewhat addicted to spray tanning. Well, I am totally addicted and it is not thanks to the one-year contract I let them sucker me into. Something about a woman wearing a wedding ring and shaking her head no, while muttering "I am scared of commitment." doesn't stop them. Alas, I have about 10 more months to see if our relationship was as valuable as I first thought.

You see, I can always say no to gimmicky offers. Chingy, on the other hand, will buy anything. Ring the doorbell and profess that the solution you are peddling will get out blood, guts and chocolate and you have a sure sell. That guy is the worst and I am the anti-buy. Well, until it came time to start going to this unnamed tanning joint. They are so persistent and I am addicted to their service that I finally caved. But did that stop them... NOPE. They want two years out of me. Oh the special offers. Piss off.

Yesterday I was feeling especially pasty, so I dropped in to get a little body work. Well, it was about the worse experience I have had in my months of doing this. It started out with there being no mat. You don't think this is a huge deal until you realize that the bottoms of your feet will be slick as snot when you get out and the cheapskates at the Joint decided stained concrete was the way to go. Note to anyone out there........ It is icecapades slick, don't go for it. Shell out some money and enjoy your unbruised melon.

So, I put on the crap to keep you nails and special parts from Snooki-ing. If you don't know Snookie, she is what Willy Wonka had in mind for an umpaloompa. So, I put it on only to remember that I didn't put on my coating of stay tan longer jiz like crap. Humf! Another product I now own from the Joint. Well, let me tell you that I will carry that stupid bottle around even when empty to keep them off my back!!!! I scrub my hands off and coat myself up. Insert my skepticism here: it doesn't make you any more tan, any longer than, oh say BABY LOTION!!!!!!


I get in, take a deep breathe so I don't inhale the substance coming out of the nozzles. Well, the voice comes on, I take a deep breathe then panic. I might need another, so I take it, and another. I do this until I am sure I will pass out then the spray comes out. I sputter and take a nice breath of the fumes while turning to position two. This happens during the whole session, my tongue throbs by the end and I am light headed. I am such a genius, huh?

The next process is drying. I love that it helps you dry off so you stay evenly coated. However, on this occasion I let my mind wonder and instead of turning to the front when prompted to, I let it do half my back for a third time. That jolts me out of my deep thinking by KC moment and I rush around to get only half my front. So, front side= 1.5 drying sessions. No bueno, peeps, no bueno. I am now light headed, half dry and about to sail across the room naked. Wonderful.

SO, I manage to find a towel to use as a fan, fan dry my naked-ness and get somewhat tan. Looking at my hands today, it seems I might have given a hand job to one of the Ompalompa's!!! My little mess up in steps might have given me one orange hand. Go Pokes!