Anxiety

That title word is something quite foreign to me. I am the girl with the BP of a corpse, who finds it entertaining to go to the doctor and watch a nurse struggle with finding it. I often have to stifle giggles and then inform them that I am normally at 72/60 or in that range. They often adjust their maneuvers and figure me out.

But, in the past few days I have felt out of wack. I just have some stuff on my mind and it has actually bothered me. Growing older, perhaps. Feeling guilty about my proximity to my family I believe. Or, becoming what people expect of me and living up to that. Yeppers. Damn it sucks getting older.

The tightness in my chest is wearing me out. Now, before you say "head to the doctor" I am totally in control of it. Lately it happens when I let my mind wonder to my family. What am I doing so far away from them? How in the hell did I pick a life 12 hours from anyone that holds a place so deep in my heart, that created my heart?????

Even shopping does it to me. I never know when I might not have money. I should save it. Pinch my pennies. I stopped drinking pop for that exact reason. I make coffee and tea at the house and tote it to the office. But then again, I buy a cute scarf here and a new wallet there............Insert increased pulse here. BUT, my laptop is slow and I want more layout software, so I should buy a new one... SHUDDERING with fear. I am a head case.

Another thing that makes me twitch and shake is how my jeans fit. Or, to be more specific how they USED to fit. I have to find someone to chase me around and yell at me from the back of a golf cart. This is out of control lazy pants! Then, that makes me think of the need to buy bigger clothes, the fear of shopping, the buyers remorse and we are back where we started.

Does anyone have any suggestions for helping me out? What makes your pulse race and makes you sweat a little? And I am not asking for anything odd or dirty:)

To close on a somewhat funny note. I wore trouser pants yesterday and if you know jeans you know they have wide legs, big open bottoms. Well, Circle K declared war on the moles destroying our pseudo yard and I was enlisted to spray the repellent on them. I did the patch closest to the house, dragging my feet because I didn't want to venture to the back of the acre. I saw a snake there, I got lunged at by a snake there, I don't like it. So, I remembered how to tight roll and off I went. Imagine me in baggy jeans, tight rolled, white basketball socks and shoes I got during a traumatic breakup in college. Ya. That old. I can't wait for Circle K to actually give me the picture!