Let me set this up- I work with Jack and Jill. They are hysterical grandparents who could almost make me blush. Almost. They are that funny. We give each other a load of crap and it is like having a full set of grandparents to be with every day, if only mine were to talk about penis' and the likes.
Well, Jack is a very active "elderly" lawyer. He curses and makes fun of his still living classmates that live a sedimentary lifestyle. He knows if he slows down, he too will become the drooling heaps of cholesterol he loathes. Therefore, every morning he goes to a co-ed YMCA to swim. He does this so his diet can consist solely of chocolate, ice cream and coffee. (His wife can be quoted as telling me that he will eat three or four spoons of ice cream while waiting for the morning coffee to brew!)
Yesterday was no exception in Jack's routine, and off the the Y he goes. Only, when he called in and sent Jill into a fit of hysterics that had me brushing up on my CPR to aide her, his morning hadn't gone a planned. You see, instead of showing in his speedo (yes. speedo) he hopped in buck ass naked. That meant he strutted out to the pool buck ass naked. Causing him to strut back to the locker room still buck ass naked. Tossing on his bottoms and cruising out to apologize to the ladies all ready in the pool, he got two shocking responses. One woman told him she couldn't see that far and the other one said "Hell, I've seen it all." I like these old birds!!
When he got to the office today, there was a sign requiring shirt, shoes and pants to enter. Jill was quick to whip out the clip art and formulate little signs. And, she has only called him Buck all day. The saying "keep your pants on" has been utilized by yours truly a few times today:) I am that quick!
If you hadn't exercised your facial muscle today, I hope that did it for you. Go to www.eddiehaynesinc.com and hit up the associates page to get a look at Jack, with clothes, to enhance the giggle!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Peeing
In my many years of urination and of raising livestock, I have come to figure out that peeing has a sound. My dad using the saying "raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock" when we have really fast, rapid, gully washer rain. It splatters. It makes a sound.
The reason for me dragging you into a situation of learning about peeing is this story:
Saturday, as I was navigating Sam's club, our realtor called me. He informed me of a couple who wanted to see the house, could I get it together, blah, blah. At this point, the conversation was totally normal, sounded like any other business professional calling a client. Then it took a dramatic turn for the worse. As he was breaking my little heart informing me that someone who loved our house, needed to move in fast, was a real "live one" had disappeared. I was so into his story that I was listening very intently. Then I heard it. It started slowly. I heard his voice echo. That echo sound of a bathroom. (I know this b/c I have heard it from friends/done it to friends but those are friends, not clients) I hear his voice ricochet off the walls. Then I heard the stream of urine making its way from the ureter to the bowl. That is a distance for men, due to their standing up. It echoed, made the pee sound, he was peeing in my ear.
It took me a few seconds to grasp that I was just in the bathroom with my realtor, while he was peeing. Not only have I taken out ads in newspapers, put our house on craigslist, printed off flyers, put them in "take one" tubes on our signs and hand made signs to cover this realtors ass, I have been to pee with him. I must say his prostate is healthy, or healthy enough to be picked up by a new version of the iPhone. Who does this? Honestly, would you keep this man as your professional realtor or would you can his ass?
The reason for me dragging you into a situation of learning about peeing is this story:
Saturday, as I was navigating Sam's club, our realtor called me. He informed me of a couple who wanted to see the house, could I get it together, blah, blah. At this point, the conversation was totally normal, sounded like any other business professional calling a client. Then it took a dramatic turn for the worse. As he was breaking my little heart informing me that someone who loved our house, needed to move in fast, was a real "live one" had disappeared. I was so into his story that I was listening very intently. Then I heard it. It started slowly. I heard his voice echo. That echo sound of a bathroom. (I know this b/c I have heard it from friends/done it to friends but those are friends, not clients) I hear his voice ricochet off the walls. Then I heard the stream of urine making its way from the ureter to the bowl. That is a distance for men, due to their standing up. It echoed, made the pee sound, he was peeing in my ear.
It took me a few seconds to grasp that I was just in the bathroom with my realtor, while he was peeing. Not only have I taken out ads in newspapers, put our house on craigslist, printed off flyers, put them in "take one" tubes on our signs and hand made signs to cover this realtors ass, I have been to pee with him. I must say his prostate is healthy, or healthy enough to be picked up by a new version of the iPhone. Who does this? Honestly, would you keep this man as your professional realtor or would you can his ass?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
I miss
Okay. By now the cat's out of the bag. I went and got knocked up with twins. Yep. I have always been a leader, an over achiever, right? HA. Guess my womb took up the slack and decided to overachieve. I think the long-term boyfriends of years ago have all taken a deep sigh of relief knowing we didn't work out, we didn't stand at an alter together and they aren't fathering two kids at one time. Two cars, two college educations, two strollers, two DEEP BREATHES. Sometimes I panic. Others, I just think I am normal and you singleton momma's are abnormal.
Anyway. Since I have started this incubating debacle I have encountered a few things that I miss, I really, really miss. At first, I figured I would miss the taste of beer oh so very much, and happy hours. Turns out Oklahoma has been handed a weather death sentence this summer and patio/happy hours would have been limited. Just my luck, right?! Mind you, I will huff a brew when it passes under my nose and I did let a little drop of a beer touch my tongue. Momma still likes the taste, so don't worry I am going to change my spots. But, that hasn't been my number one thing missing.
I miss my deep belly button. Gross and random, I know. Maybe TMI, but it's the truth. I love to stick my finger in it. Not sure why, always have, not just a random, nervous habit. Just a habit in general, a lot like my hair twirling. I have a cute, deep, clean belly button. CORRECTION- had. Sure hope the damn thing goes back to normal.
My designer jeans are gathering dust. I miss putting my butt cheeks in expensive denim and wearing them proudly. Not to brag, but I often thought I sort of rocked them. Not Heidi Klum, super model rocked them but in a sassy KC type way. This whole process is not allowing me to wear them. I don't know if my arse is getting larger (no comments from the peanut gallery, okay) or what, but I hope like crazy these two aliens don't strip me of the joy of wearing those jeans again after I calve.
Another thing I miss..... people calling simply to chat with me, about my day, their day, our lives. Not treating me like a container for the happiness they desire. I am simply called upon to check in on Thing one and Thing two. My daddy checks in on them, I am an after thought any more. I am simply a container for life. Long and short of it, everyone will always call about these silly kids from now on. If you are my friend and reading this..... please call me and chat, giggle and enjoy the conversation without feeling like you have to get a status update from my womb. I won't be offended. I think I have almost lost a very close friend, b/c she feels she has to ask those questions but in real life she could give two shits about the answers. She just doesn't care and that is okay with me. Not everyone can wrap their heads around me harboring twins. Most of the time it is me scratching my head and wondering "how did this happen?"
I miss Diet Coke, but I hope it doesn't become a staple in my life again. It wasn't that hard to cut out and I hope I stay strong on that. I miss being strong willed against my sweet tooth, too. That has to stop once I pop.
Not that my feet are pretty but seeing them used to be normal. I would like to know that they are there and all toes are present and accounted for. Yes folks, that means I know possess enough stomach to not be able to see my feet. I feel bad for the men that haven't seen them in years:) heehee.
And last but not least, I miss being spontaneous and actually enjoying seeing people. I am avoiding people like the plague. I am shallow. I will admit it. This excess weight is wearing me out, and I am hiding from everyone. I spend a lot of time at home, which let me tell you can be pretty damn boring when it's too hot to even walk outside. I miss just being able to drive a long drive without seeking a doctors okay. Pregnant women are sort of treated like invalids. Especially one toting two bambinos around. So, if you invite me to something and I dodge the event, simply know it isn't you. It is me and I dodge everyone, especially events that might have cameras involved. No pictures please!
That about wraps it up for this whining session. Thanks for reading along.
Anyway. Since I have started this incubating debacle I have encountered a few things that I miss, I really, really miss. At first, I figured I would miss the taste of beer oh so very much, and happy hours. Turns out Oklahoma has been handed a weather death sentence this summer and patio/happy hours would have been limited. Just my luck, right?! Mind you, I will huff a brew when it passes under my nose and I did let a little drop of a beer touch my tongue. Momma still likes the taste, so don't worry I am going to change my spots. But, that hasn't been my number one thing missing.
I miss my deep belly button. Gross and random, I know. Maybe TMI, but it's the truth. I love to stick my finger in it. Not sure why, always have, not just a random, nervous habit. Just a habit in general, a lot like my hair twirling. I have a cute, deep, clean belly button. CORRECTION- had. Sure hope the damn thing goes back to normal.
My designer jeans are gathering dust. I miss putting my butt cheeks in expensive denim and wearing them proudly. Not to brag, but I often thought I sort of rocked them. Not Heidi Klum, super model rocked them but in a sassy KC type way. This whole process is not allowing me to wear them. I don't know if my arse is getting larger (no comments from the peanut gallery, okay) or what, but I hope like crazy these two aliens don't strip me of the joy of wearing those jeans again after I calve.
Another thing I miss..... people calling simply to chat with me, about my day, their day, our lives. Not treating me like a container for the happiness they desire. I am simply called upon to check in on Thing one and Thing two. My daddy checks in on them, I am an after thought any more. I am simply a container for life. Long and short of it, everyone will always call about these silly kids from now on. If you are my friend and reading this..... please call me and chat, giggle and enjoy the conversation without feeling like you have to get a status update from my womb. I won't be offended. I think I have almost lost a very close friend, b/c she feels she has to ask those questions but in real life she could give two shits about the answers. She just doesn't care and that is okay with me. Not everyone can wrap their heads around me harboring twins. Most of the time it is me scratching my head and wondering "how did this happen?"
I miss Diet Coke, but I hope it doesn't become a staple in my life again. It wasn't that hard to cut out and I hope I stay strong on that. I miss being strong willed against my sweet tooth, too. That has to stop once I pop.
Not that my feet are pretty but seeing them used to be normal. I would like to know that they are there and all toes are present and accounted for. Yes folks, that means I know possess enough stomach to not be able to see my feet. I feel bad for the men that haven't seen them in years:) heehee.
And last but not least, I miss being spontaneous and actually enjoying seeing people. I am avoiding people like the plague. I am shallow. I will admit it. This excess weight is wearing me out, and I am hiding from everyone. I spend a lot of time at home, which let me tell you can be pretty damn boring when it's too hot to even walk outside. I miss just being able to drive a long drive without seeking a doctors okay. Pregnant women are sort of treated like invalids. Especially one toting two bambinos around. So, if you invite me to something and I dodge the event, simply know it isn't you. It is me and I dodge everyone, especially events that might have cameras involved. No pictures please!
That about wraps it up for this whining session. Thanks for reading along.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Do as I say........
Not as I do! Well, sort of. I do the following and I want you to join me.
First, click on this link and support breast cancer research. I have mentioned it before, and I can't tell if you are listening:) I saved it as a favorite and I click each day. Who knows if it is working, but I am not going to risk my ta-ta's to find out.
Do get your nominations in for the Best of the Barns Competition created and hosted by Ranch House Designs (RHD from here on out). Then you can look at this page of theirs and see yours truly....... Which leads me to my next do as I say- if you, your farm, ranch or company needs or desires a new website, logo, promotion ad, let me help you. As a RHD rep, I am here to serve you and help you get what you deserve. If you are hesitant to let a larger company handle your website creation and maintenance, don't forget that your fee will include unlimited edits to text and pictures by a company that prides themselves on speedy and correct turn around. YOU won't be disappointed.
You should really start to follow this blog, Rural Gone Urban. Brooke Clay rocks and she has a badA table for sale right now. Scroll to find that post and snatch it up. I would, but my house is too small as it is and I don't see it getting any larger in the upcoming months.
Terri Keffer is an amazing mom and now she can be your amazing Mary Kay sales rep. Give her a shout at (765) 366-4085. You can buy your makeup from her or become a MK sale rep yourself. I am currently obsessed with their eye makeup remover!
I work for Buford Resources Inc, who is under the broker of Eddie Haynes, Inc. We sell land, we handle all the promotions in house (where I come in to play) and we are just great people (or so I think so) Please go "like" Buford Resources Inc. on FB to keep up with what we have on our auction calendar, what we can do for you and how you can benefit from allowing us, trusting us to sell your land.
Fill me in if you use Skype. I have an account, but no one to chat with so I don't know if it will be useful for staying in touch with everyone back home. Comment time, people!
Okay. Now that I have sufficiently brainwashed you, you may do as you wish.
First, click on this link and support breast cancer research. I have mentioned it before, and I can't tell if you are listening:) I saved it as a favorite and I click each day. Who knows if it is working, but I am not going to risk my ta-ta's to find out.
Do get your nominations in for the Best of the Barns Competition created and hosted by Ranch House Designs (RHD from here on out). Then you can look at this page of theirs and see yours truly....... Which leads me to my next do as I say- if you, your farm, ranch or company needs or desires a new website, logo, promotion ad, let me help you. As a RHD rep, I am here to serve you and help you get what you deserve. If you are hesitant to let a larger company handle your website creation and maintenance, don't forget that your fee will include unlimited edits to text and pictures by a company that prides themselves on speedy and correct turn around. YOU won't be disappointed.
You should really start to follow this blog, Rural Gone Urban. Brooke Clay rocks and she has a badA table for sale right now. Scroll to find that post and snatch it up. I would, but my house is too small as it is and I don't see it getting any larger in the upcoming months.
Terri Keffer is an amazing mom and now she can be your amazing Mary Kay sales rep. Give her a shout at (765) 366-4085. You can buy your makeup from her or become a MK sale rep yourself. I am currently obsessed with their eye makeup remover!
I work for Buford Resources Inc, who is under the broker of Eddie Haynes, Inc. We sell land, we handle all the promotions in house (where I come in to play) and we are just great people (or so I think so) Please go "like" Buford Resources Inc. on FB to keep up with what we have on our auction calendar, what we can do for you and how you can benefit from allowing us, trusting us to sell your land.
Fill me in if you use Skype. I have an account, but no one to chat with so I don't know if it will be useful for staying in touch with everyone back home. Comment time, people!
Okay. Now that I have sufficiently brainwashed you, you may do as you wish.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Misc. Monday
1) I am on a wild goose chase. I am to find advertising and media outlets for truck washes. Low and behold, there isn't a large number of publications that specialize in truck washes. Makes me giggle, however, when I think of the "truck stop/truck wash" in CrawfordTucky (aka: Crawfordsville) Indiana. I think it's the strip club. Or, the strip club is by the truck wash. Maybe I should send my boss to investigate. Might make him a bit more cheery.
2) My grocery list consisted of four little items. Milk would be the only thing that wouldn't fit in to the only bag I needed to carry out of Wal-Mart. That is until I allow Circle K to wonder the aisles with me. Man. He even giggled and said "I bet this is why I am not allowed to grocery shop with you, huh?"
* Original list: Milk, eggs, pancake mix, Bisquick and jalapenos (random stuff we just ran out of and/or was just brought to my attention.) Needing the milk and eggs, I decided this was trip worthy.
* Contents of final six bags: hot dogs (first time they have entered the Lonetree Drive house) brats, frozen blueberries, multi-grain tortillas, 2 kinds of cereal bars, heat and eat pot roast, jumbles mix, frozen fruit bars, three small containers of ice cream, original list items, InTouch, Life&Style magazine, Comanche Moon (guess it is the prequel to Lonesome Dove?) grapes, baby carrots, whole wheat hot dog buns, sandwich pickles, and maybe one other thing.
So, can you tell my purchases? I like to be healthy:)
3) My Pandora mix list today includes: Michael Buble, Bob Marley, Norah Jones, Eli Young, Kid Rock, Dierks Bentley, Miranda Lambert, Disturbed and Jessica Simpson. Don't ask. I have no explanation. I plead the 5th.
4) Roads are buckling in Oklahoma due to the heat and it is making my whole office irritable. And, not just me. We need to close up shop and go on vacation for a week. No together time. I think it will save us from needing to hide a body someday soon. Just hope it's not my body, but I know I am snarky too. I can't help but roll my eyes at dumb stuff these days. I mean, how else am I going to know if my high dollar wrinkle cream works if I don't give the "Hey dumbass" look every once and again?!?!?
5) We have someone looking at our house tomorrow. I know, I know someone will fall in love with it like we did:) I have to hold the faith. I also have to stop and remember how amazing it is that we have such a great house to call a home. We are damn spoiled.... I mean, look at what we spent our disposable income on at the grocery?!?! Life is great,
2) My grocery list consisted of four little items. Milk would be the only thing that wouldn't fit in to the only bag I needed to carry out of Wal-Mart. That is until I allow Circle K to wonder the aisles with me. Man. He even giggled and said "I bet this is why I am not allowed to grocery shop with you, huh?"
* Original list: Milk, eggs, pancake mix, Bisquick and jalapenos (random stuff we just ran out of and/or was just brought to my attention.) Needing the milk and eggs, I decided this was trip worthy.
* Contents of final six bags: hot dogs (first time they have entered the Lonetree Drive house) brats, frozen blueberries, multi-grain tortillas, 2 kinds of cereal bars, heat and eat pot roast, jumbles mix, frozen fruit bars, three small containers of ice cream, original list items, InTouch, Life&Style magazine, Comanche Moon (guess it is the prequel to Lonesome Dove?) grapes, baby carrots, whole wheat hot dog buns, sandwich pickles, and maybe one other thing.
So, can you tell my purchases? I like to be healthy:)
3) My Pandora mix list today includes: Michael Buble, Bob Marley, Norah Jones, Eli Young, Kid Rock, Dierks Bentley, Miranda Lambert, Disturbed and Jessica Simpson. Don't ask. I have no explanation. I plead the 5th.
4) Roads are buckling in Oklahoma due to the heat and it is making my whole office irritable. And, not just me. We need to close up shop and go on vacation for a week. No together time. I think it will save us from needing to hide a body someday soon. Just hope it's not my body, but I know I am snarky too. I can't help but roll my eyes at dumb stuff these days. I mean, how else am I going to know if my high dollar wrinkle cream works if I don't give the "Hey dumbass" look every once and again?!?!?
5) We have someone looking at our house tomorrow. I know, I know someone will fall in love with it like we did:) I have to hold the faith. I also have to stop and remember how amazing it is that we have such a great house to call a home. We are damn spoiled.... I mean, look at what we spent our disposable income on at the grocery?!?! Life is great,
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Wordful Wednesday....
I know, most are wordless, but for those of you that know me I am anything but that.
Please join me on Liveauctions.tv to watch some of the most amazing youth in the country show their cattle. If you aren't familiar with livestock shows, let's just say the Hereford and Angus junior nationals are the Super Bowls of their breeds. (Hereford= red body, white face, light of my life and Angus= fully black, earns my daddy a paycheck) I was able to stay out of jail, not get preggers in high school and complete two years of college without picking up a student loan bill all because of my cattle showing days. And, these kids learn work ethic (most of them won't sleep past 5 a.m. for the next three days), sportsmanship (you have to know it takes a team when you are dealing with over hundreds of families from 36 or so states) and responsibility (caring for their livestock is a 365 day a year job, which requires compassion, dedication and money.) They also know that treating their animals with respect is number one. They are stewards of animal protection and handling. They don't mistreat them and they don't mistreat humans.
I have a new part-time venture in place. Check out Ranch House Designs for all your logo, ad and website needs! They are cutting edge and not just for livestock. They get it, they get life! If you need a revamp of your logo or a website, give me a shout and I will hook you up. You won't be disappointed in their skill and their turn around.
Selling a home is hard work. My house simply looks like no one lives it in. We hosted an open house last weekend, but not a soul showed up. Might be b/c there wasn't much promotion. I feel like we should not leave any stone unturned in order to know if we just don't have a piece of property anyone wants. I don't want to feel like we didn't use every avenue. Our realtor, which Chisolm picked and I disagree with most of the time, doesn't really get up and go. If I am able to take this project over, I want to interview realtors. Is that proper protocal? Anyone have suggestions on how to mesh with a lazy realtor that is simply an MLS listing type person? Anyone need a house? Check out mine!
Pray for rain! That is all I have for now. Mindless dribble from KC>
Please join me on Liveauctions.tv to watch some of the most amazing youth in the country show their cattle. If you aren't familiar with livestock shows, let's just say the Hereford and Angus junior nationals are the Super Bowls of their breeds. (Hereford= red body, white face, light of my life and Angus= fully black, earns my daddy a paycheck) I was able to stay out of jail, not get preggers in high school and complete two years of college without picking up a student loan bill all because of my cattle showing days. And, these kids learn work ethic (most of them won't sleep past 5 a.m. for the next three days), sportsmanship (you have to know it takes a team when you are dealing with over hundreds of families from 36 or so states) and responsibility (caring for their livestock is a 365 day a year job, which requires compassion, dedication and money.) They also know that treating their animals with respect is number one. They are stewards of animal protection and handling. They don't mistreat them and they don't mistreat humans.
I have a new part-time venture in place. Check out Ranch House Designs for all your logo, ad and website needs! They are cutting edge and not just for livestock. They get it, they get life! If you need a revamp of your logo or a website, give me a shout and I will hook you up. You won't be disappointed in their skill and their turn around.
Selling a home is hard work. My house simply looks like no one lives it in. We hosted an open house last weekend, but not a soul showed up. Might be b/c there wasn't much promotion. I feel like we should not leave any stone unturned in order to know if we just don't have a piece of property anyone wants. I don't want to feel like we didn't use every avenue. Our realtor, which Chisolm picked and I disagree with most of the time, doesn't really get up and go. If I am able to take this project over, I want to interview realtors. Is that proper protocal? Anyone have suggestions on how to mesh with a lazy realtor that is simply an MLS listing type person? Anyone need a house? Check out mine!
Pray for rain! That is all I have for now. Mindless dribble from KC>
Friday, June 24, 2011
Frugal Friday.
I am a tight wade, of sorts. Don't get me wrong- I did eat dinner out last night and not even look at the prices. But, in other parts of my life, I am a tight wad. So sue me. Therefore, that is the hint behind the title Frugal Friday. I don't have many money saving tips, but I am going to let you in on a few. I am not an extreme couponer, or anything like that. I mean, come on, I use coupons so I can buy inTouch and Life & Style magazines with little to no guilt. I considered it a nice trade out:)
So, this is about my Best Buy Reward Zone card. If you buy stuff from there, become a member. You get free money. I had $25 waiting to be spent. I know, I know- they do that just to suck you in, but this time I didn't spend a dime. Last time I had one, I printed it off and lost it. Free money out the door. This time, I printed it off and lost it, but the allow you to reprint it. The coupon can only be used once, so no cheating. I kinda, sorta, accidentally on purpose tried to cheat one. Don't judge... you would try the same thing:)
After reading and researching, I found out that you can use it for iTunes gift cards. If you are like me, you randomly download a song on your iPhone and think nothing of it. Well, that money goes on my credit card and I pay for it. Voila- free music. I now am the proud owner of $25 to spend on money. I put the card number in my iPhone and now I can use it until it runs out.
Who knew it would be so hard to spend a simple $25 iTunes gift card? Being free money, I should be able to spend it in one attempt- Right?! Wrong. I am drawing a blank. I have gotten a couple songs, but nothing is hitting me. I just can't think. That is like being taken on a shopping spree and buying a fountain pop!!!!!
So, help me out my legion of followers!!! And, I will try to keep up a frugal Friday tip, since my life is about to get a little more insane and strapped for cash:)
So, this is about my Best Buy Reward Zone card. If you buy stuff from there, become a member. You get free money. I had $25 waiting to be spent. I know, I know- they do that just to suck you in, but this time I didn't spend a dime. Last time I had one, I printed it off and lost it. Free money out the door. This time, I printed it off and lost it, but the allow you to reprint it. The coupon can only be used once, so no cheating. I kinda, sorta, accidentally on purpose tried to cheat one. Don't judge... you would try the same thing:)
After reading and researching, I found out that you can use it for iTunes gift cards. If you are like me, you randomly download a song on your iPhone and think nothing of it. Well, that money goes on my credit card and I pay for it. Voila- free music. I now am the proud owner of $25 to spend on money. I put the card number in my iPhone and now I can use it until it runs out.
Who knew it would be so hard to spend a simple $25 iTunes gift card? Being free money, I should be able to spend it in one attempt- Right?! Wrong. I am drawing a blank. I have gotten a couple songs, but nothing is hitting me. I just can't think. That is like being taken on a shopping spree and buying a fountain pop!!!!!
So, help me out my legion of followers!!! And, I will try to keep up a frugal Friday tip, since my life is about to get a little more insane and strapped for cash:)
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