Guilt

(Note to self... make sure you save as a draft before you log out. My bad.)

The basis behind the initial blog I was going to post was about a mother's guilt. I have never once felt guilty about anything. Well, that is a lie. I think I felt bad a few times about sleeping in and making my parents feed or for skipping out on my girlfriends for a loser boyfriend. But I mean, an all consuming guilt.
I don't want this to be another drag ass, boring mom blog, but I want to vent maybe. I even feel bad right now typing this because there are bottles to clean. Mind you the water is skin boiling hot, so there isn't much I can do right this second, but still. I feel it.

I used to love Target. Now I second guess each purchase, spend my alone time there analyzing what I am buying, how Surround Sound will like eating it, am I saving enough, do I have a freakin' coupon. Are you shitting me? This is my life. Yes, yes it is. Bitter pill to swallow.

My guilt starts in the morning when I hear someone one whining and I turn a deaf ear to them. No kids- 6:30 isn't a respectable time to wake up. I don't care who you are. You aren't running Apple or a multi-million dollar company. Then again, those CEO's don't have a wet diaper. I digress. But, I do start with the worrying, second guessing and guilt from the get go.

My house. My wonderful new house....... Doesn't feel like home. Sorry, but I want to come home and not have a worry. Like college. Get done with class, have Jello Shots for dinner and go to the bar after a mean old power nap. That would make it feel like home. Hold down the couch for a Sunday and watch the Hills reruns. Not set on couch,  bounce up to waking child, march from room to room finding pacifiers, etc. AND, I want to decorate from the waist down. This two mobile children syndrome could kill my creativity. Mind you mean, when they are old enough to not break there toe with a giant candle holder, momma will have a house that rivals most hoarders shows!

Another source of my guilt is my excitement to leave them for a day, rob wireless Internet and work from various establishments by my home. Nope. I don't check in. I know Miss Leslie loves them like I do. I just work, eat lovely pastries and try to figure out how to pay the bills.

I quit my job. Guilt, party of two, come and take your table. Wow. It was a touch choice and NO I didn't do it to be a stay at home mom. I did it so I wouldn't drive my car into a lake, to be honest. It sucked, but it was the best thing I could have done. Now people that like me, trust me and believe in me are helping me out. But, I still wonder if I can make ends meet, supply enough love and formula for Surround Sound while finding time to bathe at least twice a week. No joke. No joke on that point.

So my question is; when does the guilt stop? Does it? Does it just turn in to pure pleasure because that is all we know? I don't want it to turn to bitterness about time lost on myself, blah, blah, because believe you me- my kids crack my face up all the time. Case in point....

For these two, I can learn to deal with guilt and turn it into a source of Pride some day. Some day far, far away. Until then, I will continue to tailgate with them, take them to sales and show them off with love:)
Tada- I am done:)