I have twins.

Man, that saying still rocks me to the core. I am not sure how in the world it happened, but I guess genetics played a roll in it. So there are a few of my takes on life now that I have Surround Sound with me all the time.

When you are in my home, wear shoes. Otherwise you will have food particles stuck to your foot. I try to do disaster cleanup as often as I can, but most times I have four hands trying to help me "sweeeeeeeeeppppppp" the floor. Some days it is a worthless effort and better left to nap time. But, naptime if filled with work and catching up. So, I often forget to finish the project I started. Just keep you feet covered.

I can not give anyone my undivided attention any more. Not even one of my kids. I try to listen and make things okay for everyone, but it just isn't possible for me to listen, talk, get kids off the tables and make sure they are alive and breathing. I do my damndest, all on fronts I believe, but sometimes it isn't enough. I have no clue what sale Chingy was at, only the location and number of nights I had to wrestle two wet babies into bed.

As much as I want to, I can't sympathize with your bad day... with one kid. I often find myself, more these days of bad napping schedules, with one kid always awake and alone with me. I know they need it and I cherish that time. I often forget about the one in the crib, still dreaming of moo's cows and neighs. I read and spend time. I think that people with one child take it for granted and I daydream of going to the store with only one cart, with no kissing and waving to strangers by two carts in two directions. For the ability to go to the pool with a friend who has a kid. What I wouldn't do. Dang. Y'all are spoiled. I love having two, wouldn't trade it for any amount of money, but I can't get where you come from when you complain. I get the stress of no naps, daddy being gone, yada, but man-o-man. We are damn lucky to have the kids we have, with no wars happening on our soil and all the amenities we have. Let's all stop and think of that.

If you are knocked up or the mother of a kid, I will always refer to yours at "they." As in "how did they act today?" Nope. No singular speak in my world. My kids can count to two. I wanted to think they were the worlds smartest kids, but I now know it is because everything is in two. I say thing one, thing two a lot. I say let's go, one baby, two baby. I am resigned to admit they are just normal babies and had to withdraw their applications for Jeopardy! Sad day:)

Communicating with me, via a phone, is sporadic... at best. I will try my hardest to call you back or answer, but I don't like to make you a victim to the noise I am dealing with. I find nothing more annoying than hearing other people's kids crying and screaming in the background. I get enough of that on my end of life. So, I love y'all. I want to talk to "tall people" and I will call you back!

I am learning to choose my battles with Surround Sound, but I know I am not doing it in the most wise manner. I cave. I do. I am setting the foundation for a set of spoiled kids. But some days I just can't handle one more pre-terrible two meltdowns. I will let them eat the apple they saw on the island. I will let them walk around half naked for a minute longer. I will let them spill water on the bathroom floor, while I dress their sibling, so I can get them in their cribs before bed. I will not let this ruin them, or at least I will stress myself stupid thinking I am going to have a band of Indians that no one can stand. I just have to live my life with them every minute of every day and try to head the horrible kid portions off at the pass.

 If I invite you to dinner, I have the best of intentions. I might not have a clear spot for you to set and you might get mugged by my twins, but I wanted to show you off to them. Now, if I didn't specifiacally invite you to my house, you come with a group and you moan and whine about the condition of my house....... you will be asked to leave. I don't know how many hours in America are spent picking up after kids, but it is an ungodly number. Come to my house, chat with me, eat my food and let's enjoy the time. Let's not quantify it by looking at the state of my toy room, inspecting my guest room toilet or assuming I live in squaller. I don't. Typically. But, some days are harder than others, more often than not I had to assist kids off an object they know not to climb on and I have plugged my ears 20 times to ignore the tantrums and informed my twins to head to their room if they want to make that much noise. (wow. Run on sentence!!!)

As much as I often think this, I don't have the plague. I have two kids and desperately need time with friends. I can leave Chingy in charge, since he seems to think I am in the right mind to handle them. He is an amazing husband and dad. So, let's all try to do dinner. Let's try to walk. I don't know. Let's just try to drag me away from the asylum that is my house. We bought it a year ago and I have spent so much time in it that I might go all Pinterest on it and paint stuff, make things, go batshit crazy up in here. Rescue me!!!!!

No, I won't babysit. I used to love kids. My two have taken that love, devoured it into them and left me with no other urge for kids, no baby fever, no desire to watch another kid. Sorry. That is harsh, but that is my reality. They have taken all my laughs, tears, smiles, frowns and turned them in the Surround Sound special that I adore and giggle about every day. Nope. I don't want you kid, or another one of mine in the mix. Over kids, minus my own:) I can't even imagine visiting friends with my kids in tow. That would be a tough one.

I stress and worry like never before. I worry about nutrition, if someone gives them sugar, will Chuck have a lisp, are they advanced enough, should they know their colors, will watching Babe while I load the dishwasher make them want to be pig farmers. The list goes on and on. I know I am doing what I can, what I have in my heart to do, what my mom taught me, but I get nervous it won't be enough. Good enough, smart enough, happy enough. Damn, I am depressed just typing that. How do we know? Do we? I hope we don't know and we are just doing it, because if you tell me you "knew" you have pissed me off.

My life revolves around food. Giving them enough, not snacking too much, fruits, veggies, protein. I am hungry just thinking about it. I refuse to give them candy, but how long will that last when they go to school? (Mother's day out to be exact) As they get older, how do I handle people that don't respect the eating habits of my kids? Will I make them become French fry addicts if I let them eat them once a month? HELP!!

I am a person that thrives on people. The more idle chat the better. Now a days I want nothing but silence. I want to simply work when they nap, if they ever do again, I want the TV low.  I don't like talking during nap time some days because it has been so loud and chaotic since they woke up. I never thought that I would grow an introverted side, but I sure have and I relish it.

If I enter a store without coupons, I feel lost. If I don't save money, I almost hyperventilate thinking of my next balance. I don't make what I used to. I am learning to cut corners. I have to save money because some weeks the only way I get the kids out is to take them to lunch. And boy or boy do they have Champaign taste on a beer budget. Hold the phone. Don't start thinking I am one of those extreme coupon people with 15 extra things of BBQ sauce. Not the case. I just like to get my ducks in a row and save $40-$50 a trip. Makes my smut magazines a free purchase in my opinion.

In closing, I won't hide who I was, what I am or let my kids swallow me. I might have accidentally spoke "pirate" to the kids in Kohl's yesterday. C-dog lost a shoe and my instinct went with "C... where in the hell did your shoe go?" Not my greatest grammar, but I am sure the other folks had someone to talk about while shopping. I didn't mean to. I talk to them like adults constantly and it is hard to edit myself. I also did some random things in college, might have not attended for a few semesters, maybe showed my boobs a time or two.... All that makes me giggle and worry about my daughter, but in no way will you find me reinventing myself for them. That isn't PC, but it is how I plan to treat life. If I forget I was stupid and "in love" in high school, then I might not pay attention to Chuck and her first loser boyfriend. I might now know what Calin is doing after a sporting event if I forget what I was up to. I am going to try to remember me and protect them.

And now, I see the monitor telling me someone is awake....... one hour after I put them to bed. So duty calls and I must assist them. Never mind that I TOLD them they needed to take a drink of water and they both ignored me. Momma knows best babes. She does:)