I Can't Pretend

Conversation with hubby.... "You ready for bed? You coming in?" I said no. I honestly think he figured I wanted one more beer. No. Not the whole point. I told him that if I went in, out of the not so million degree Oklahoma heat, I would wake up the mother of twins once again. Starting my Groundhog day-like life once again. If I went in to bed, I wasn't able to daydream about him simply being gone to a sale, me setting on the porch of our small first home and me going to my full-time job. If I go to bed now, I wake up to the sounds of twins needing me, wanting every fiber of my being. I am not ready to sleep yet.

EDITORS NOTE: I can't pretend.... I am not obsessed with North West, that I can't figure out how to slow down my ceiling fan, why I am such a horrible driver when it comes to parking and why I get so mad when I can't download a book in two seconds. Anywhooooooooo.

So, when I go to bed, I am KC. I am me. I am the person I want to be. When I have time alone, I can daydream. I won't lie. I daydream about being a working woman, no kids, happy hours and tons of events to attend with friends. Reality is, I am 33 (I accidentally put 22 at first. Had to edit:) the mother of 21-month-old twins, the wife of a man that is gracious enough to support me when I can not and am not fully employed. How did this happen? In my daydreams, people are throwing jobs at me, friends are texting me like crazy to meet up because I am fun and then I am attending work functions. No. People don't call because when you have a dinner with me, you are insta-nanny. My over-happy overaries gave me the coolest kids on Earth. Dare me. They are. Your's won't stand a chance. But this isn't about bragging on them. This is about my yearnings. I digress.

I am not working an 8-5 job because of some jack-leg who wasn't impressed with my dedication to his team. Nevermind, I got home from a birth of two, four days of puking and one weekend of mother-in-law to create a brochure for him. But, that won't get me anywhere..... I am now a stay-at-home mom who struggles. Tell me you don't and I kick you in the teeth. Point blank.

I am not fun because my days take it all from me. I might bathe every other day, at the best. And when I do, the shower door is open, all dignity is gone. There is something totally different about flashing a set of breasts for a free something or other and taking a shower in front of a set of kids that want to point out you boobs, toss Spider-Man webs at you and steal your towels. There is no dignity in being a mom. I sell make-up, for crying out loud, but I can't take myself seriously until I have 10 GD minutes to put the stuff on before someone eats a roll of toilet paper or flushes my watch.

I can't pretend I am not bitter about cancer. Not the astrological sign. Y'all with that sign might rock. But the big damned C-word. I know a great girl, not woman because she isn't even 30, battling breast cancer. What in God's name is causing this? I get why my mom dealt with it. She lived hard, loved hard, partied hard and paid hard. I miss her, but that is okay. I can't pretend I am fine, but I can figure it out with help of my dear friends who care enough to ask about me. But, I can't pretend I haven't been good enough to this girl...... she is battling and I have a box of stuff to mail to her, but I can't get to the post office. I want to help her deal with it best I can, but I can't get to the damn post office. I can't help but feel horrible because my life is a mess. I have seen the inside of a post office less than my OBGYN in the past year.

Today, I couldn't figure out why I was down. Then it dawned on me.... I wanted to be in class. I have to figure that out in my own time. Every year, around this time, I miss being in a horrible little house, working minimum wage and having penny beer. Time for me to grow up. I know. But, I can't pretend that if I were that young again, I could change a lot of things. I don't regret them, I won't hide from the random dumb things I did in college and a bit after, I won't keep it from my kids. But, I can't pretend I did enough to benefit myself in the long run. Who would have thought that the kids being active on campus and not in the bar would one day take over the world? Why did no one, but my mom... mention this. Crap. Should have listened to her. Hate it when she is right.

(editors note: I am typing on the porch and I can't pretend bugs aren't swarming my screen and that they are in my ears.)

And, to end this piece of journalism, for what it is worth.... I can't pretend that the movie "Babe" hasn't changed my life. Not only can I get the dishwasher unloaded while it plays and entertains my kids, but I was struck by a saying in it today. The cow tells the duck " The only way you'll find happiness is to accept that the way things are is the way things are." And you thought it was the part about "that'll do pig," right?